Warning: Division by zero in /nfs/c02/h08/mnt/16249/domains/widestance.com/html/wp-content/plugins/wp_movie_ratings/wp_movie_ratings.php on line 359
I first saw this sketch when it aired in the early nineties and have always thought it was brilliant:
In case you’re one of the two people in the universe who would rather read than watch, the gist is this: A dude attributes his success to sticking pennies up his ass, always knowing that other people have touched his ass pennies. Awesome!It got me thinking about my own unorthodox method of confidence building. Now I’m not into ass pennies, or putdowns, insults or throwing feces, for that matter. No, my technique is completely silent – and all psychological. You see, I like to cause people shy bladder. You know, that thing that happens in front of the urinal when you just can’t perform. And you stand there just holding your non-functioning johnson in public like a complete, ineffectual loser? I make other people do that.It’s the public restroom equivalent of slam-dunking on your hapless defender. And it feels just as powerful. Here’s what you do: 1.) Find your unwitting victim standing at the pisser. 2.) Stand right next to them while they are trying to go. 3.) Unleash your magnificent stream before they can get theirs started.
It’s that simple and it never ceases to fill your victim with a brutal mixture of self-inadequacy and performance envy. Congratulations – you have established dominance. Now, some of you may have more trouble than others in perfecting this technique, so here are a few frequently asked questions in the art of causing shy bladder.
“Why does it work?”
This is due to the psychological effect known as proximal arousal. It simply means that when you stand too close to someone, they become uncomfortable and have certain involuntary physical reactions. In the case of a men’s room, a freezing and closing of the urethra and the ensuing feeling of worthlessness. So, no, we’re not talking about them sporting wood.
“Won’t proximal arousal affect me?”
It is a simple case of mind over matter. If you are aware of this physical and psychological anomaly, you can control its effect over you. Kind of like how Freddy Krueger can’t hurt you when you stop being afraid of him.
“Who should I do it to?”
That’s completely up to you. I find it most effective on Vice Presidents, Supervisors and clients of high importance. But it’s also great against guys who are generally better looking than you and guys who drive better cars than you.
“What if I’m a chick and not a dude?”
Sorry. You’re out of luck. But at least you get to have cans.
So there you have it. Give it a shot and with enough dedication, mental concentration and massive beverage consumption, you’ll be out-whizzing everyone. And the more people you make stand there like complete losers holding their useless equipment, the more you will start feeling like the total stud you always wanted to be.
Until next post, thank you and you’re welcome.